I just wanted to carve a little Z in your forehead ...

Add another to the long list of man-made evils - the conference call. My 'presidential' duties required that I participate in a conference call with some city chapter heads of the Campus Antiwar Network. Aside from the mind-numbing minutiae inevitably present in an hour-long phone conference, it was worthwhile and provided a lot of insight into the temperature of the organization.

Specifically, we (the Network) are gearing up for some upcoming events in NYC. Wednesday 3/1, Todd Chretien will be heading up a conference at BMCC, promoting his College, Not Combat movement, a counter-recruiting initiative. He is a man who introduced a successful Proposition to the San Francisco city council that effectively banned military recruiters from the city. Similar movements are taking place throughout the country, and his appearance in Manhattan will surely energize the movement right here. Also coming up is the third anniversary of the Iraq War, on March 18th, which will be marked by a large cooperative protest in Times Square. I will be at this protest, and I will post more information on it when I get it. Hopefully someone is reading this and will want to make a difference.

I hate writing shit like that; it's very boring and painful for me, but I feel like it's necessary.

Moving on, today was a somewhat important day in my life. Today, I had eggs Benedict for the first time, and if my will can keep up with my intellect, it was the last time. Poached eggs atop Canadian bacon atop a toasted english muffin, smothered with Hollandaise sauce, which is more egg, butter, and some lemon. I shudder. Any sane man would acknowledge the once-in-a-lifetime nature of such a dish. I dread any speculation on the amounts of calories and cholesterol that are now one with me. Dumb idea to eat it on a Sunday, when the most exercise I afford myself is the shifting of positions on the couch or walking to the refrigerator for more food. Damned if it wasn't unnaturally delicious, though.

Jack Bauer needs to stop peddling for Verizon and Intel. It just detracts from the ballsiness of any future "You're only conscious right now because I don't feel like carrying you" gems. You've been acting since you were, what, eight? Don't you have enough money? And fuck Verizon.

The Strokes at Hammerstein on 3/3 and Buckethead at B.B. King's on 3/23; I quote George W. Bush when I say to March, "Bring it on."

BEETLEJUICE.

I just got an e-mail from Ticketmaster.com.

"Don't Miss Sammy Hagar!"

...punching myself in the loins, trying not to think of Sammy Hagar. Shh, Mexico.

What do you think this is, the year 2005?

Umm. So, uhh, yeah. Long time. I, well, yeah, HEY good to see you, too! You look, uhh, nice, yeah ... you, uh, been eating ... more? I mean, you look ... good. Yeah. Yeah. I know - I'm bald. Mayonaisse. Definitely.

How can I relate my last few months? Recently, the past, present and future have been muddied by Forces that make Merlin tremble in his wake. It's easier if you just watch this. Should explain e'rrything.

Just wanted to share this letter that a colleague of mine dispatched to Mr. Stephen Colbert, of the Colbert Report. Yeah. Maybe I'll resume my conversation with you none, after all. Umm, I. Love. You? I love you, Robots. Tha's it.

Dear Webmaster,

Please see to it that Mr. Colbert receives word of this correspondence.

Thank you.


Mr. Colbert,

Firstly, I would like to tell you how much of an honor it is for me to address these words to you. I would surely stand between you and a bear, risking forfeiture of my existence, so that you may run, and run swiftly.

I am a twenty-two year old heterosexual male, and I watch the Report every night, Monday through Thursday. I get sad when I see a rerun scheduled on my digital channel guide, so benevolently provided to me by my friendly local media conglomerate. You are a beacon of Freedom; the Death Star tractor beam of Liberty. Clearly, Nicholson was wrong when he proclaimed "You can't handle the truth!" Damn it, I handle it every night at 11:30 EST.

Much to my dismay, I have not found any naturalization information regarding citizenship in the Nation. I would doubtless be an indispensable asset to the Nation, one who comprehends our Nation's greatness, but knows enough to abide the whims of Conventional Wisdom. Humbly, I request whatever information available pertaining the matter of naturalization.

May God bless you, and Richard Nixon, Ronald Regan, George H.W & W. Bush.

Redoubtably,

Panther Jenkins
Freedomville, Tennessee